Job Description
Growing enterprise seeks energetic manager.
Minimum Qualifications: Marriage License (not an industry standard across the board, but we highly recommend it.)
Skills: Being nocturnal helps, as well as whatever is the opposite of nocturnal (dayturnal?) at the same time. What we mean is, how long can you go without sleep? Also, being able to do things one-handed – make a lasagna, fold laundry, etc. You know, multi-tasking. High tolerance for very loud noise a plus!
Experience: It doesn’t matter how much experience you think you have, trust us, you don’t have any. Unless you’re already one-handed. Are you one-handed?
Training: No formal instruction is provided. On-the-job training only.
Hours: Flexible! (i.e. Candidates are expected to be available “on-call” 24 hours a day. Hours subject to change without notice.)
Paid Vacation: None. In fact, if you want a break, you need to pay someone else to cover your shift. This includes coffee breaks, bathroom breaks, showers, and anything else that might take you away from your post.
Sick Days: None. Don’t get sick. We’re kidding, of course you can get sick, but we wouldn’t recommend it, since you still need to show up for work. And by the way, you can’t take any good cold medicine.
Compensation and Benefits: Performance-based. The most successful managers will be dismissed after 18 years of faithful service.
I love my job. Really.
