Amateur Hour

I don’t know who wrote this – if I did I would credit the author.  Its too funny (and true!) not to post.

A Mother’s Christmas Letter to Santa

> Dear Santa,
> I’ve been a good mom all year. I’ve fed, cleaned and cuddled
> my children on demand, visited the doctor’s office more than
> my own doctor, sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise
> money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was
> hoping you could spread my list out — over several
> Christmases.

> Since I had to write this letter with my son’s red crayon,
> on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles;
> and who knows when I’ll find any more free time in the next
> 18 years, so now – -
>
> *** Here are my Christmas wishes ***
>
> * I’d like a pair of legs that don’t ache (-in any color,
> except purple, which I already have) and arms that don’t
> hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my
> screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.
>
> * I’d also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the
> seventh month of my last pregnancy.
>

> * If you’re hauling big-ticket items this year, I’d like
> fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays
> adult music; a television that doesn’t broadcast any
> programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with
> a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to
> talk on the phone.
>

> * On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that
> says, ‘Yes, Mommy’ to boost my parental confidence, along
> with two kids who don’t fight and three pairs of jeans that
> will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.
>
> * I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting,
> ‘Don’t eat in the living room’ and ‘Take your hands off
> your brother,’ because my voice seems to be just out of my
> children’s hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.
>
> * If it’s too late to find any of these products, I’d settle
> for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the
> same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room
> temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam
> container.
>
> *If you don’t mind, I could also use a few miracles to
> brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to
> declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience
> immensely.
>
> *It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help
> around the house without demanding payment as if they were
> the bosses of an organized crime family.
>
> Well, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing, and my son saw my
> feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his red
> crayon back. Have a safe trip Santa, and remember to leave
> your wet boots by the door, and come in and dry off, so you
> don’t catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table, but
> don’t eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet. Yours
> always with love and appreciation, A Mom
>
> P.S. One more thing . . You can cancel all my requests, if
> you can keep my children ‘young’ enough to believe in Santa.